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Dear Crystal,
Jings, crivens and help ma boab! Och Crystal, yuv gawt ta help me. I had one tee many Buckfasts last night and slept with a woman from Glasgee. When I woke up this morning, I had a heed like a haggis and the most hideous Scawtish accent. It's even affecting ma spelling. Be a doll girl and tell ma hay tae sort it out? This morning I had a battered Mars bar for breakfast washed down with an Irn Bru. I'm at my bonny wits end... freeeeeedom!!
Yours, Angus McSporran
Dear Angus,
There's no easy way to say this Angus, you'll just have to bear with me. You're suffering from an untreatable medical condition known by experts as ‘Being Scottish'. Despite affecting millions of people north of Carlisle every year, this terrible disease has long been ignored by the mass media. I myself have been a campaigner against this tragic affliction for many years, ever since I had a brief ‘Scottish' scare of my own in the late 80s when I accidentally slept with Alan Hansen.
I was drunk at the time and regretted the incident immediately. I spent weeks waiting for signs of my Scottishness to appear (painting my face blue, developing a laughable hatred of the English, normal people constantly asking me to repeat myself etc). When the doctors gave me the all clear six months later it was one of the happiest days of my life and I've been careful never to go on a hen night to Glasgow ever since. Sadly, for you, there is no hope. My only advice is to pray for a swift death. It's got to be better than watching your national football side humiliate themselves every year.
Dear Crystal,
I think my boyfriend may have slept with another woman. It's driving me crazy. He went on a lad's night out up Kings Cross recently and didn't come home until early afternoon the next day with his boxer shorts missing. Ever since then, he's refused to sleep with me, saying he doesn't feel well, but when I tried to surprise him in the shower the other day I saw his penis was all purple and bruised. The other day, I went through his wallet and found a receipt for some flowers to someone with the initials CB. What should I do?
Many Thanks, Josephine
Dear Josephine,
Battered bell end? Flowers to CB? Sorry to break this to you Josephine but it sounds like he's the bloke I shagged the bollocks off down an alley a couple of weeks ago. Poor little bugger's been obsessed with me ever since. |
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 Dear Crystal,
I REALLY need advice - my heart is being torn in every direction.
Years ago the most gorgeous big-boobed girl used to baby-sit me and needless to say I was absolutely smitten. I couldn’t take my pervy little eyes off her or my lusty little mitts off myself.
Imagine my delight when I bumped into her in a bar recently and ended up fulfilling one of my all time fantasies by filling her full of my juices.
I have fallen back in love with her. However, my parents recently split and after a few drinks my dad told me part of the reason was that my mum had caught him in bed with the babysitter more than once, I’m torn. Help.
Dave, Tasmania
Dear Dave,
What an unfortunate love triangle. If you really love her you should try and stay with her but, on the other hand, would you be haunted by images of your father, showing her who’s the daddy and blasting her pert booty into orgasmic delight?
What if she thinks he is bigger and better than you? Imagine every time you kiss her you’re getting a faint taste of papa’s man meat.
Would you feel secure with their knowing glances? If so, your old man may be able to advise you how best to make her squeal. A good bit of family bonding could be a threesome with babysitter and father. Mum can clean up.
Dear Crystal,
I’M only 18 and have just arrived in Australia. I’m a virgin and don’t seem to have much luck with women. I was thinking of hiring a whore because I’m just so desperate to pop my cherry. Is this the best route for me?
Matt, Perth
Dear Matt,
I feel sorry for you, but also feel like pissing my pants because your predicament is so funny.
How the hell did you get to 18 without getting a shot of poontang?
A prostitute might be an option, but remember they are professionals and good at what they do, so if your first time is with a lady of the night it might leave you with ridiculously high expectations for your next time.
However, I’m past my best and will offer a half-price deal. |
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 Dear Crystal,
I HAVE an admission to make - I love dressing up in women's clothing and take any chance I can get to put my girlfriend's sexy underwear on.
The problem is she doesn't know a thing and might hit the roof if she knew she what was going on. What should I do?
Anonymous, Brisbane
Dear Anonymous,
THIS is a common problem, but there really is nothing to fear.
I know everything there is to know about women and contrary to popular belief they can't get enough of it when their men dress up in lace panties and little dresses.
I think you'll find that if you bring the conversation up with your macho mates down the pub they will all admit to having their favourite pair of French knickers. In fact, why not suggest a dress-up dinner party with your pals and their wives. They will absolutely love it. Trust me.
Dear Crystal,
I MET a hot Dutch chick at a bus stop and, as I can speak Dutch, we started chatting.
We then went out on a couple of dates and she eventually succumbed to my charms and spread her legs.
At first it was great, but the last few weeks have been shite as she only puts out once a week and - due to her terrible English - makes me do absolutely everything for her.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's all worth the hassle and all my mates are telling me to get rid.What do you reckon?
Paul, Perth
Dear Paul,
OH DEAR, you poor little thing. It sounds like she has mistaken you for a complete and utter sucker. If only she'd return the favour.
She is obviously using you to make her life easier and only giving you the odd shag to keep you sweet.
Well this can't go on. Be a man and tell her straight that if she wants you to continue your role as an unpaid translator, she's going to have to sweat for it.
Some translators we know get paid about $2,000 a week. So you are effectively paying that for one shag.
Me and my friend Edna will give you 400 shags for that. It's time to teach the clog-wearing frigid bitch the value of a dollar. |
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Dear Crystal,
I HAVE been seeing this girl for some time now but she won't give in and let me shag her.
I have tried everything but she just isn't up for it.
I really like this girl and I don't want to seem like I'm only after sex but my balls are beginning to resemble space hoppers. What can I do?
Chad, Fremantle
Dear Chad,
THIS is a problem that I'm sure most guys have - except those who go out with me.
They usually end up kicking and screaming, trying to get out of the bedroom before I entice them back in for more.
You have to woo her - a romantic meal with plenty of drinks always works.
Why not try Crusty Jack's Chicken Shack? That place always gets me in the mood for a drilling.
Dear Crystal,
MY friend is a really nice girl but she is really unhygienic.
I am staying in the same flat as her and everything is great, except she spends the night farting, picking her nose and flicking it at the telly.
When she goes to the toilet it smells like someone's rotting corpse afterwards.
She is a great flatmate but her horrible habits are driving me insane.
How can I approach her without offending her?
Sue, Brisbane
Dear Sue,
THIS is tricky, but sometimes people need a short, sharp blast of reality to kick them into action.
Just tell her how disgustingly vile she is and that she should seriously improve her diet as two minute noodles and Bacardi Breezers are leaving the bathroom like a sewer and, no doubt, her arsehole like a chewed orange.
If this doesn't work then maybe I could move in with you? I don't really fart that much although I do like to Mr Whippy a fella on the bed from time to time.
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Ask Crystal 