Girl of My Dreams

Dear Crystal,

I HAVE recently met the girl of my dreams and we get on like a house on fire.

Deep down I think she feels the same way, but I'm afraid she is a bit out of my league and may give me a crushing rejection.

What is my best approach to get my dream girl? She flirts with me all the time, but my feelings run deeper and I think I'm in love with her. I've been nothing but a complete gentleman, but it seems like she's a little bit of a wild girl. Should I try a different approach?
Brett, Brisbane

Dear Brett,

FIRST of all, Brett, I share a deep love of one thing with every female on the planet - money, and lots of it.

There is nothing that turns a girl on faster than a wallet full of platinum credit cards - well, apart from maybe a bad boy with an expensive coke habit.

Unfortunately it seems as if you're clearly far too sweet to possess either and may be forced to settle for the fat Goth geek with braces instead.

Dear Crystal,

AFTER meeting a girl on an internet dating site we seemed to click immediately and wrote to each other regularly for a month.

We then decided to meet in person. The conversation was pleasant and I thought it couldn't have gone any better, but my hopes of physical contact in the form of a hug or kiss were dashed at the end of the night.

The same thing happened on the second, third and fourth dates and then she refused to answer my calls and e-mails. I just don't know what I did wrong. Any ideas? Should I give up hope?
Denzil, Darwin

Dear Denzil,

IDEAS? Well I've got a few. How about the thought she doesn't fancy sticking her tongue into a something that smells like a racoon's arse and tastes worse.

What about the fact your back has more hair than a brown bear, you haven't changed your boxers in six weeks and you're sniffing around at least another dozen girls online?

These are all just suggestions of course. Apart from all that, you're quite a catch.