football

He may be about as good for a team's moral as the news that footballing bicycle Imogen Thomas has picked up syphillis, but QPR still stuck with Joey Barton instead of manager Neil Warnock last month.

Warnock blamed his sacking on everything from Twitter, to player agents, to mysterious outside influences at the club. In every example, he meant Barton.

"Tony [Fernandes, chairman], who's the one really who sacked me, I know the influence that he'll have had from certain people in the last few weeks will have been difficult to resist," Warnock said. "People get on the phone and tweet every five or 10 minutes, and it's almost like slowly poisoning somebody, from outside the club and no doubt from within the club as well. It's a dangerous precedent if you let players talk to chairmen, but you can't stop Twitter and things like that.

"When you have a run of results like we had and you're not involved in football and you get people in your ear - agents, for example - tweeting him and speaking to him and talking about players ... there's some clever and manipulative people. I've no bitterness towards it. It's just how things go."

In other words, Warnock was shafted by cash-hungry money men only interested in themselves. That run of eight games without a win probably didn't help things though either - as Barton later pointed out. On Twitter.

"Lost his job and the guy is blaming everyone but himself! Embarrassing, time to look in the mirror mate. Last thing we need right. Big week," Barton posted while plotting the downfall of Mark Hughes.

Rumours are rife of a bust-up between players and manager following the club's defeat to Barcelona in the Copa del Rey last month. Let's face it, it was only a matter of time.

Mourinho was reportedly unhappy that his players refused to defend the team's negative tactics against Barcelona, telling defender Sergio Ramos: "All the Spanish players have been world champions and your friends in the Press protect you. Like the keeper."

Goalkeeper Iker Casillas - 30 yards away - shouted: "Hey, boss, here we say things face to face, OK?"

When Ramos explained a change in tactics for the corner which led to Barca's first goal, Mourinho, who did not play professionally, rapped: "Are you trying to be the manager now?"

Ramos replied: "No, but at times we have to change the markings. As you have never worn shorts, you don't know these situations arise."

The mental image of Jose Mourinho wearing tight shorts and 'popping out' Alan Partridge-style is disturbing enough, but things got worse for the manager when he was booed by the team's fans at the next game. Not that he gave a shit.

"If they jeered me at a club where they don't normally jeer anybody, then I might be worried. But here, where they jeer the biggest names in football, it's not a problem," he shrugged.

Arsene Wenger's secret attempt to see how long he can stay in charge of Arsenal without actually winning anything took a blow last month.

Through a combination of blind confidence in youth and a stubborn determination not to spend any money, Wenger has already made sure the Gunners will win absolutely bugger all this season. But suspicious Arsenal fans - and even skipper Robin van Persie - are beginning to cotton on to Wenger's record attempt, which became even more obvious when the Gunners took on Man United last month.

Trailing 1-0, Arsenal wonderkind Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain was playing out of his skin and set up van Persie for Arsenal's equaliser in the second half.

Naturally concerned that Arsenal might push on to win the game, Wenger immediately substituted Oxlade-Chamberlain for Andrei Arseshavings.

Hilariously, the match cameras caught van Persie looking horrified at the decision and clearly shouts the words 'oh no!' It also prompted cries of 'you don't know what you're doing' from the Gunners fans.

But it proved to be a masterstroke - as far as Wenger's trophyless run is concerned - as nine minutes later, the hapless Arseshavings was sold a dummy by Antonio Valencia, who then sent up the winner for United. And with that, any lingering hopes Arsenal fans had of winning the title disappeared.

"We lost the game just now and I do not have to explain to you what I do," blathered Wenger.

"I have to stand up to the result and the subs. I've been 30 years a manager and made 50,000 subs and I have to justify every decision I make to you? I stand up for it."

The Frenchman was then pushed on whether his decision cost Arsenal the game - as most Gunners fans felt.

"Why? If you expect me to blame an individual player, it will not happen," he said before winking and mouthing the word 'Arseshavings'.

Footballer's aren't usually the most imaginative sorts when it comes to penning their own literature. A quick look at the titles of some of the more popular Premier League autobiographies proves our point - "Keane" by Roy Keane, "Carra" by Jamie Carragher, "Gazza" by... you get the point. But our interest was piqued last month by the latest literary effort by Dietmar Hamann. For starters, it's called "The Didi Man" - which presumably isn't a reference to his performance in the post-match showers. And secondly, it turns out the veteran workhorse is a bit of a loon with some very strange recollections of his professional career.

For instance, he seems to think Sven-Goran Eriksson is James Bond.

"One morning when I was on a sun lounger by the pool, he [Sven] walked towards me with a bottle of champagne and two glasses on it. It was still only 10 in the morning. I looked up and said, ‘Boss, what are we celebrating?' expecting him to make the triumphant announcement he was staying.

"He turned to me and smiled that gentle smile of his and took the air of a Buddhist philosopher, as he said, ‘Life, Kaiser. We are celebrating life'. With a glass of champagne in hand he stood and looked out towards the horizon, then spoke in that higgledy-piggledy Swedish accent: ‘You know Kaiser, I like this place. I think I will manage for another five years and come back here and live with two women. Yes. I think I need two beautiful women'."

It is unclear if the pair then made love while 'Diamonds are Forever' played in the background.

Hamann also had a teensy-weensy bit of a gambling problem... and by teensy-weensy bit we mean bloody massive.

"That night I bought Australia for £2,800 at 340 runs. That meant for every run over 340 you win £2,800, but for every run under you lose the same amount. Australia collapsed for 237. It is a score I remember well. It cost me £288,400."

Which is why Germans shouldn't bet on a sport they have absolutely no knowledge of.