football

WHILE most of us mere mortals lose things like mobile phones or house keys, the hide and seek search that regularly has Jermaine Pennant frantically looking behind the back of the sofa just before work is ‘where the fuck is my Porsche?’.

The Stoke star apparently left his car - with the personalised reg "P33NNT" – at a Spanish train station for five months. Forgetful Jermaine even left the keys on the driver’s seat. When Spanish police eventually tracked him down, Pennant apparently told them he couldn’t remember owning it. As you do.

GYAR! Shiver me main brace and splice me timbers, hold on to your dubloons fair readers for tis time for Cap’n BBM to tell you a tale of ghostly revenge, vast piles of gold and mad Villains. A tale we call – the Curse of the Claret and Blue Pearl… Gyar!

Legend tells of a team in the Premier League that time forgot, a team everyone outside the West Midlands struggles to recall when asked to name all 20 Premier League clubs, a team run by a mad pirate king called Gerard Houllier who’s time in charge has been so inconsequential and unnoteworthy that the club’s very existence is doubted by the so called scholars at the FA who need solid proof before they’ll believe in something so ephemeral.

But that all changed a couple of weeks ago me old buccaneers.  Like that bit at the start of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, it suddenly all got a bit foggy around the relegation zone, the issue of who was going down becoming cloudier with every Wolves and West Ham win, Johnny Depp started doing a Brummie accent claiming his new character was based on Jasper Carrott. Then, emerging from the ghostly mist into the clear waters of the bottom three a long-forgotten vessel with claret and blue sails started a hootin’ and a hollerin’ towards the Championship. Aston Villa had returned from their long stint of being totally unnoticable – and they’d gone stark, staring bonkers in the meantime! Gyar!

And is if to underline how much Villa’s absence from national headlines has got to them, they’ve somehow managed to top Man City in the blowing huge amounts of money on average English players stakes after spending £24million to sign Darren Bent. Gyar! "We are absolutely delighted to have Darren here and we know he will be a tremendous asset for the months and the years ahead,” said an eye-patched Houllier’s pet parrot.

"His arrival sends out a clear message about our ambition. We've brought him down here to spearhead our efforts and to help build something strong and lasting at our club."

WHAT’S the difference between Kenny Dalglish (pictured) and Roy Hodgson? Fuck all apparently.

“Sometimes it doesn't matter how good the player is, you need belief. We'll work hard on giving them that,” said Dalglish, shortly after his side’s belief-inspiring come-from-ahead 2-1 defeat to Blackpool.

More-ego-than-talent winger David Bentley has swapped Spurs Reserves for Birmingham’s Reserves after agreeing a loan move to the West Midlands. Bentley was supposed to be a replacement for Newcastle-bound Seb Larsson – but that deal has stalled with Larsson failing to agree personal terms with the Toon. Brum are still hoping to tie up a deal with Rangers for Championship-standard striker Kenny Miller this weekend.

The man with the worst record in Premier League history has replaced Roy Keane as manager of Ipswich Town. Paul Jewell will take charge of his first Tractor Boys game this weekend.

First it was Ulrika Jonsson, now it’s Yakubu who’s fallen foul of the inexplicable pulling power of Sven-Goran Eriksson. The Everton striker has agreed to a loan move to Leicester City for the rest of the season.

Welsh wind-up merchant Robbie Savage could be heading to Canada if Derby choose not to extend his contract. The midfielder is considering an offer from the Vancouver Whitecaps. "The chance to be part of making soccer popular in America, alongside people like David Beckham and Thierry Henry, is obviously very tempting," he said, forgetting that Canada isn't strictly in America.

The lovable, charming and all-round nice guy Craig Bellamy has been arrested and bailed on charges of assault. Craig Bellamy has been arrested on suspicion of assault following an incident early on Sunday morning. The Cardiff striker was taken into custody after a fight at around 2.45am on Caroline Street in Cardiff's city centre.Two men, aged 20 and 26, sustained facial injuries which did not require hospital treatment at the time.

More managerial merrygoround antics with Charlton Athletic set to appoint former Addicks full-back Chris Powell as new manager. And after turning down Charlton, Crystal Palace, Peterborough, Southampton and almost every other club south of Rutland, Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe looks set to be named Burnley manager.

Cash-strapped Man City are set to offload Roque Santa Cruz and Shaun Wright-Phillips this week. "Roque will probably go to Blackburn," said Roberto Mancini. "It is the same situation for Roque and Shaun Wright-Phillips. He has two or three options."

Connor Wickham (17) Ipswich, striker
Admittedly we've put Connor into the top five on nationality more than anything, but you can bet diamonds this boy wonder will be partnering Andy Carroll up front in about seven years time. Well maybe not diamonds. A fiver would be worth a punt though. We'd say a tenner but Carroll could well be doing a stretch for assault by 2018.
Anyway, back to Connor. A giant at 6ft 3ins - and still growing - he towers above those at his age range. For England's Under-17 side he bulldozed through defences at the European Championships last year, which the Three Lions won and a big-money Premier League move seems almost inevitable this year. It's just a question if when not if.

Thiago (19) Barcelona, midfielder
If there's one thing Barcelona do well, it's... well actually they excel in pretty much every area of football. Their Youth Acadamy is no different with no fewer than SIX of the players who started against Holland in the World Cup Final coming through Barca's ranks.
So who's next off the factory shelf then? Say hello to Thiago. Aged just 19, he's already being likened to Xavi because of his passing ability. In fact, the only reason he's not made more appearances for Barca is because he's, well, playing for Barca. With his contract up in the summer though, we can almost hear the shuffle of Man City sheiks boarding a plane to Spain. Will he want to leave the world's best club for the big bucks abroad? We'll see in January.

Erik Lamela (18) River Plate, midfielder
Heard the one about the Argentine 12-year-old that Barcelona tried to sign? No, this isn't Lionel Messi we're talking about but another South American sensation.
Lamela was targeted by Barca's scouts but failed to agree a move. Six years later and after becoming a key part of River Plate's team he is wanted by Europe's big boys once again.
Real Madrid, AC Milan, Juventus and Manchester City have all been rumoured to be chasing the £10million-rated starlet who has lived up to his early hype with some impressive performances in the famous River shirt.

Neymar (18) Santos, striker
Like Olivia Newton-John dressed in leathers and shaking her tits at John Travolta, this is the one they all want. Honey. Chelsea, Manchester City, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Inter Milan, Wycombe - it seems every club out there wants a piece of Brazilian boyhood brilliance. Weirdly, however, he refused to join any of the aforementioned last season, instead opting to sign a new contract at home town club Santos. Surely it's only a matter of time before the lad officially known as the 15th new Pele moves to Europe.

Romelu Lukaku (17) Anderlecht, striker
Don't let the fact he plays in Belgium fool you, this boy is not just good - he's fucking awesome. Aged 16, he was last season's top scorer in the Belgium top flight and has continued that form this season with 14 goals in 28 games. He's 17 now but you wouldn't think it - he's 6ft 4ins and weighs in at around 14 stone. Rumours abound that kiddy-fiddler Arsene Wenger might make a bid - although the £20million price tag might put him off.