football

Consequently, in our three-year exile Down Under, BBM has seen the film Grease no less than 187 times, so our view of what constitutes a "bad boy" (slicked back hair, leather jackets, numerous song-and-dance routines etc) may have been slightly warped. Thankfully, we're avid readers of that fine bastion of hard journalism, The Sun, and can therefore point to the Danny Zuko of the Premier League, Mario Balotelli, as football's perenniel bad boy.

So what really makes a bad boy then? Well judging by Balotelli's actions this month it's staying up late at a restaurant, and becoming involved in a humorous - but ultimately blameless - misunderstanding with the police.

The 21-year-old forward was spotted breaking Man City's 1am curfew by eating at an Indian restaurant before a game. He even signed autographs and posed for pictures with fellow diners after being involved in a playful sword-fight with rolling pins with a friend.

As for the police incident, he had his brand new Maserati confiscated by police who thought he didn't have the proper paperwork - but he did. To be fair to the filth, he famously had his previous Maserati impounded 27 times, so they had cause to collar him.

Still, it hardly makes him Jack the Ripper does it? Throw in his previous antics of setting off fireworks in his house and throwing darts at people and he's only a pea-shooter away from being Dennis the Menace.

By Peter Simpson and Richard Gadsby

And with the Premier League down to a two-horse race already, and only two English clubs left in the Champions League, we need our blinkered illogical blasts more than ever to make the season interesting. So bless the twin saints of football (Saint James and Saint N'Greavsie) for the Lord has seen fit to furnish us with Andre Villas-Boas.

The Chelsea boss became increasingly jittery during the club's poor run early in the season to the point where his pent up belief that it couldn't possibly be his fault, finally exploded in fine table-thumping style at a press conference. So who was to blame for Chelsea's miserable start? An ageing squad perhaps? The spectre of Mourinho's ghost floating through Stamford Bridge? Well according to AVB, one man was the cause of all his woe - Gary Neville.

Neville invoked Villas-Boas' fury after suggesting Blues defender David Luiz played as if he was controlled by a 10-year-old on a Playstation after the club's loss to Arsenal. That clearly rankled with the Portuguese man o' war.

"I'd say this to his face with most pleasure," fumed Villas-Boas. "What does he know about the Chelsea dressing room? What does Gary Neville know about our dressing room?
"How can you imagine what is going on in the Chelsea dressing room? How can you know?

"I'm normally indifferent, not watching on the telly to see what these people say. But I was watching the television at that moment, and I was gobsmacked."

Being the man's man he is, Neville stood up for himself the only way he knows how. By getting his brother Phil to say something.

"Even though he is a die-hard Man United fan I don't think anyone can label what he has said - since he's been on Sky, I think he has been pretty impartial," said the in-no-way bias younger sibling.

By Peter Simpson and Richard Gadsby

Stuart 'I want another knighthood' Pearce certainly believes the Simon Cowell-fuelled hype. Last month, he sent the metaphorical Team GB tour bus around the country, asking players if they'd be interested in representing a British team at the Olympics.

"I've got a feeling that the players themselves are desperate to be part of this Team GB situation," he said. "I have spoken with a few players and the overriding thing that I am hearing back is that this is a fantastic showcase of our national sport in the Olympic games.

"It's a fantastic thing to be involved in and I think the players are generally very excited to be involved in this.
"There are very few of us who have been involved in a tournament on home soil. I was fortunate enough back in Euro 96 to see the exposure and the explosion of football in this country for that tournament."

But it seems not everyone is happy at the prospect of Team GB (otherwise known as England plus guests). Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are all a bit peeved at the idea as it could cause them serious grief when it comes to defending their autonomous state within FIFA.

Could it also be a problem that, with the exception of a couple of Welshies, none of their players would make it into the side if it purely came down to skill? Perish the thought.

By Peter Simpson and Richard Gadsby

Kean became Blackburn manager after Sam Allardyce's sacking by Venky's, the hapless owners at Ewood Park. He was initially appointed caretaker manager on December 22nd 2010, as the owners looked for a new and more attractive style of football than had been played under 'Big Sam.'

In the new year Kean signed a three-year contract. It would be fair to say that rarely has a man had to put up with so much criticism from his own fans.

A mixture of enormous expectations and massive inexperience has meant Kean faced a near impossible task of being a success at Blackburn. There were rumours of signing Ronaldinho, the cripplingly embarrassing chicken advert, and bad result after bad result. How was Kean meant to change the style of play with the same squad and no funds to add to it? He has got the best out of Junior Hoilett, a player who looked restricted under Allardyce but, despite his best attempts, Kean is fighting a losing battle.

Last night, Blackburn lost another home game to a team they were expected to beat and as such Kean has surely managed his last game for Rovers. The boos at the interval and full-time were amidst thousands of voices booming 'KEAN OUT,' banners proclaiming his record of seven wins in thirty-seven (now thirty-eight) matches, and local newspapers with headlines asking for Kean's sacking. What can a man do?

Kean has said this morning he would be surprised if he was sacked. I don't know why he puts himself through these strains. He must have the broadest shoulders in football. Although he has lost the fans in Lancashire, he has won the support and admiration of every true football fan in the country.

By Luke Lambert