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Crystal Balls 604

Photo of Crystal BallsAries

YOU tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a shit about anyone.
Most people hate you, but for some reason you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would pull your pants down at a wedding and swing your bits around like a lasso.
Luck will lead you down the street screaming obscenities at random strangers until they jump you and beat you to a pulp.

Taurus

PANIC. Or at least flail your arms about. The future does not look good, rosy, happy or full of dancing pixies.
You won’t be feeling particularly lucky when you delve deep into your loved one’s most intimate parts and find maggots, crusty looking cheese and Texas barbecue flavoured Pringles round the edges. What on earth could they have been up to?

Gemini

ATTRACTION to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) cartoon characters and clowns.
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you’ve not experienced this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder.

Cancer

COMMENTING on a nearby person’s “peaches” may not go down too well.

Avoid language with anything to do with sex or fruit during your lunch break. You may find you have to see out most of the day with only one eye to guide you.
Your luck will run out when you’re fired from your job for sexual harassment.
Of course they gave you all the signals but they were trying to tell you to fuck off and not asking whether you would like to fuck?

Leo
YOU have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive, but that’s about it as far as positives go.
You lie a great deal, make the same mistakes repeatedly because you’re stupid and everyone thinks you are an absolute arsehole.
You spend much of this week hunched over on your bed sucking your own cum through a straw because you’re desperate for a blow job and the dry spell has lasted more than four years.
If only you had your lower ribs removed like Prince.

Virgo

WHY not pick up the phone and yell into it wildly before dialling your required number?
You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later.

Libra

A TAXI queue is a surprising place for love to strike this week. Of course, you’ll be parted without getting each others numbers or having any chance of meeting again as they just arrived on the train and don’t live anywhere near. Still, love can do that, can’t it?
That was your soulmate by the way. And you’ll never see them again. Enjoy the rest of your loveless existence.

Scorpio

REPETITION may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again.
Looking for a saviour is a commendable past-time, but ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit you really shouldn’t have made.

Sagittarius

PLEASE keep your eyes on the exits. Everything you think about yourself will be called into question this week.
And DO NOT eat that nine-day-old lasagne because you’ve spent all your money on  booze, drugs and crayons.

Capricorn

YOU’RE weak at heart and must endeavour to become stronger by subjecting yourself to ritualistic torture.
Complete the sentence: “My day will be really shitty because my boss will find out that I surf the internet for ________  every half an hour.”
The mental problem you’re having may subside once you relax about things.

Aquarius

THE DEAD are unlikely to rise from their graves this week, but this shouldn’t deter you from starting your “Anti-Zombie” fan club.
You’ll also realise your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you just how fantastic you are. Unfortunately, this hasn’t occurred since 1991.

Pisces
SOMEONE close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you’re “in there.”
However, what you may not see is that they have a cold and have just passed it your way via a wet hand.
True love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some people find that attractive.
Unfortunately you get on the wrong bus home, fall asleep and a lesbian picks your pockets for remaining shrapnel.
 

Crystal Balls 603
Photo of Crystal ballsAries
YOU sir are a true hero. Your mate has been eyeing up that fit bird behind the bar in PJ O'Brien's for ages but never had the balls to go up to her because she's always chatting to her right fucking minger of a mate.

Well, like the first rate wingman you are, you make a move on the ugly cow to give your mate an ‘in' with the fit one. Do we hear wedding bells?

Taurus
JUST like this week's Aries, you're an ace wingman with no less than 27 successful fugly missions notched onto your rather battered bedpost.

You're so good that random people on Facebook get in touch asking for your legendary self-sacrificing services.

Alas, this week, it all begins to unravel. It starts as it always does, with you chatting to a hairy ugly backpacker from Eastern Europe with more armpit hair than the inhabitants of Taronga Zoo's gorilla enclosure. Only this time, you start to get aroused.

Yes, your worst fears have come true. You've spent too long in the field. You've gone native.

We're afraid there's no way back from here friend. You'll be porking beasts of the night for the rest of your life.

Gemini
THE GHOST of deceased reality TV star Jade Goody takes control of your body on Thursday and you spend the rest of the week trying get in touch with Max Clifford to see if he can sell the story of your life in limbo to OK! Magazine.

Cancer
YOU are beaten to death with a tennis racket by Marcos Baghdatis. It's on the telly and everything.

On the bright side, the sub-editors of the Sydney Morning Herald have a field day with the headline ‘The butcher of Baghdatis'.

Leo
YOU are Punk'd by actor/idiot Ashton Kutcher who, hilariously, gets you consripted and sent to fight in Iraq.

After three months on the frontline, and still unaware it's all a big prank, your legs are blown off during a brutal firefight with Al Qaeda insurgents.

It's at this point Ashton springs his surprise with a yell of "you've been Punk'd dawg!" and hostilities temporarlily cease as the two forces fall to the floor laughing.

On the bright side, the sub-editors of the Sydney Morning Herald have a field day with the headline ‘The Kutcher of Baghdad'.

Virgo
YOU know how your mum booted you out of the house when you were 16 because you kept spending all your pocket money on bongo mags and she yelled "you'll never amount to anything you little wanker!"

Well the joke's on her because all that hand-pumping has given you Paula Radcliffe style stamina in the sack and you land a lucrative role in porn soap opera ‘Up The Wrong ‘Un!'

Libra
AFTER a night on the Guinness followed by a rancid looking kebab you settle down for a relaxing 4.30am dump.

Being the gross bitch you are, you wipe your arse and check the sheet of loo paper to assess the current messy state of your behind - and are amazed to see the image of our Lord Jesus Christ!

You resolve to take the sheet back to the bedroom and sell your story to the papers the next morning. Unfortunately you roll onto it in the night and wake up with a load of foul-smelling half-digested kebab shit stuck to your face.

Scorpio
NEVER cross a hot but deranged German backpacker who has access to garden shears. That's all we're saying.

Sagittarius
AGEING magic man Paul Daniels hypnotises you and forces you to commit a string of armed robberies up and down the east coast.

Your pleas of ‘Daniels made me do it!' fall on deaf ears at your court hearing. You'll never see daylight again.

Capricorn
IT'S six months since you arrived in Oz but, this week, you're suddenly overwhelmed with a fear that you left the oven on in your flat in Britain.

You spend $2500 on a flight back home just to check and come back a week later, poorer in pocket but safer in mind... until you begin to have trouble remembering whether you checked or not.

Before you know it, you're $5000 lighter in the pocket and back at Heathrow - which is when you realise you never had an oven in the first place, just a microwave and a toaster.

Aquarius
ANCIENT spirits of evil, transform this decayed form, into Mumm-Ra, the Ever, Livvviiiinnnngggggg!!!!

Pisces
THE WEEK is going normally, everything seems fine - until Thursday when you pick up a carving knife and go on a kill-crazy rampage through town. Strangely, you only stab women who fancy gay blokes.

On the bright side, the sub-editors of the Sydney Morning Herald have a field day with the headline ‘The Butcher of fag hags'.
 

Crystal Balls 601

Aries
Your time in Australia is nearly up.
You have become a different person since you arrived in the land down under 12 months ago.
Back then you were a bit of a tit but now you are a full-blown tosser.
You will realise this when you arrive back home and come back to earth with a thud in Blighty.

Taurus
Make no mistake, you are one hot girl and everyone in the office thinks that - but your fellow females are ready to kick your head in, such is the extent of their jealousy of you.
Stop wearing the short skirt and tiny blouse to work and change into big baggy jumpers and trousers for your own safety.

Gemini
You have to speculate to accumulate but this statement doesn't apply to blowing the last of your savings in the casino, you absolute maniac.
What are you going to do for money now? Bank of Mum and Dad will be getting used for another loan no doubt.

Cancer
When are you going to get that mole on your arm checked out? When it's big enough to pick up the phone and dial the digits itself?

Leo
You've always been a happy-go-lucky cheeky charmer.
This yields results with girls in your teens and early 20's but as you approach the big 30, still living at home doing part time hours and getting your mum to iron your underpants, your suave charm is fading by the day.

Virgo
Stop kidding yourself, you are riddled with every STD known to man.
You have girls in bars all around Australia scratching their crotches frantically.
Sort it out, you are a one-man pestilence.

Libra
When you go out with a girl, especially on a first date, it's not standard practice when you have finished your drink to nod to the bar and whistle, as if telling her to fetch.
Especially when she has hardly touched her Smirnoff Ice.

Scorpio
Your flat-mate is advertising your room. Check Gumtree.
Persistent loud sex on a rickety old bed can take its toll.
Buggery on the kitchen table is just plain unhygienic.

Sagittarius
It's good to be proud of your body but constantly wandering around your flat in the nude has your housemates choking on their chicken noodles.
It's hard to concentrate on Survivor when you are sitting nude, legs akimbo on the couch.

Capricorn
Unfortunately, everyone at work knows that you can't satisfy your girlfriend.
The fact that she runs from the roomin frustrated rage during your lunch break shouting, "He's fucking done it again," is a give away for your overexcitable lovegun.

Aquarius
Have you never noticed that complaining may make you feel better for a little while, but it just makes everyone else think you are a pathetic twat?

Pisces
Your boyfriend's shagging your sister.

 
 

Crystal Balls-Issue 600

Aries
You can smell something fishy and it seems your pet cat is getting a taste of it too.
But this isn’t New Zealand and we don’t condone bestiality - even if you play Rugby League.
Just remember the appropriate reply when your waitress asks if you wanted to “try the fish” and you should be fine.

Taurus
There is something special about you that draws other people in and makes them want to be around you.
It’s those massive breasts, you lucky girl. Use them while they’re useful - you won’t get free entry into clubs, a mountain of interested men and drinks ‘on the house’ when you’re sixty and those suckers are down to your knees.

Gemini
It’s inevitable that you are going to get caught with your pants down.
Remember, don’t piss against the wind because you’ll get wet.

Cancer
You may not like what you see around you but that’s because you’re looking through foggy goggles.
And because you haven’t gotten off the floor in days, so you’re living in a homemade tip.
Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. It’s how I’ve lasted 600 issues, hun!

Leo
Your mummy always told you that couldn’t follow through.
Well, now there’s a rumble in the jungle and you have the chance to prove her wrong.
Have some toilet paper handy, hope you’re wearing sneakers...

Virgo
You’re the kind of person who always thinks they’re getting a bad rap.
But that’s because you’re favourite song is Culture Beat’s Mr Vain.
Time to change the record.

Libra
Paranoid is your middle name - but I can’t be held responsible for your parents’ sick joke.
You might think everyone hates you but, don’t worry, it’s merely disdain.
It’s not your fault you’re an ugly bastard - once again, your parents.

Scorpio
You know the old saying: the severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You don’t? Well you will soon because you’re about to get a chronic case of genital herpes. Jackpot!

Sagittarius
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s the light of an approaching train so you would be wise to move your fat ass out of it’s way unless you want to be flattened.
Then again, you have been thinking about flattening your stomach for a while now...

Capricorn
This is the second time that you have been scared half to death.
So if my mathematics are right, technically, you’re dead. How unfortunate.

Aquarius
An important question you might want to ask yourself is, how do blind people know when they are done wiping?
You may have shit in your eyes but just think how lucky you are.

Pisces
You’re not even worth it.
 
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