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Crystal Balls 601

Aries
Your time in Australia is nearly up.
You have become a different person since you arrived in the land down under 12 months ago.
Back then you were a bit of a tit but now you are a full-blown tosser.
You will realise this when you arrive back home and come back to earth with a thud in Blighty.

Taurus
Make no mistake, you are one hot girl and everyone in the office thinks that - but your fellow females are ready to kick your head in, such is the extent of their jealousy of you.
Stop wearing the short skirt and tiny blouse to work and change into big baggy jumpers and trousers for your own safety.

Gemini
You have to speculate to accumulate but this statement doesn't apply to blowing the last of your savings in the casino, you absolute maniac.
What are you going to do for money now? Bank of Mum and Dad will be getting used for another loan no doubt.

Cancer
When are you going to get that mole on your arm checked out? When it's big enough to pick up the phone and dial the digits itself?

Leo
You've always been a happy-go-lucky cheeky charmer.
This yields results with girls in your teens and early 20's but as you approach the big 30, still living at home doing part time hours and getting your mum to iron your underpants, your suave charm is fading by the day.

Virgo
Stop kidding yourself, you are riddled with every STD known to man.
You have girls in bars all around Australia scratching their crotches frantically.
Sort it out, you are a one-man pestilence.

Libra
When you go out with a girl, especially on a first date, it's not standard practice when you have finished your drink to nod to the bar and whistle, as if telling her to fetch.
Especially when she has hardly touched her Smirnoff Ice.

Scorpio
Your flat-mate is advertising your room. Check Gumtree.
Persistent loud sex on a rickety old bed can take its toll.
Buggery on the kitchen table is just plain unhygienic.

Sagittarius
It's good to be proud of your body but constantly wandering around your flat in the nude has your housemates choking on their chicken noodles.
It's hard to concentrate on Survivor when you are sitting nude, legs akimbo on the couch.

Capricorn
Unfortunately, everyone at work knows that you can't satisfy your girlfriend.
The fact that she runs from the roomin frustrated rage during your lunch break shouting, "He's fucking done it again," is a give away for your overexcitable lovegun.

Aquarius
Have you never noticed that complaining may make you feel better for a little while, but it just makes everyone else think you are a pathetic twat?

Pisces
Your boyfriend's shagging your sister.

Crystal Balls-Issue 600

Aries
You can smell something fishy and it seems your pet cat is getting a taste of it too.
But this isn’t New Zealand and we don’t condone bestiality - even if you play Rugby League.
Just remember the appropriate reply when your waitress asks if you wanted to “try the fish” and you should be fine.

Taurus
There is something special about you that draws other people in and makes them want to be around you.
It’s those massive breasts, you lucky girl. Use them while they’re useful - you won’t get free entry into clubs, a mountain of interested men and drinks ‘on the house’ when you’re sixty and those suckers are down to your knees.

Gemini
It’s inevitable that you are going to get caught with your pants down.
Remember, don’t piss against the wind because you’ll get wet.

Cancer
You may not like what you see around you but that’s because you’re looking through foggy goggles.
And because you haven’t gotten off the floor in days, so you’re living in a homemade tip.
Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. It’s how I’ve lasted 600 issues, hun!

Leo
Your mummy always told you that couldn’t follow through.
Well, now there’s a rumble in the jungle and you have the chance to prove her wrong.
Have some toilet paper handy, hope you’re wearing sneakers...

Virgo
You’re the kind of person who always thinks they’re getting a bad rap.
But that’s because you’re favourite song is Culture Beat’s Mr Vain.
Time to change the record.

Libra
Paranoid is your middle name - but I can’t be held responsible for your parents’ sick joke.
You might think everyone hates you but, don’t worry, it’s merely disdain.
It’s not your fault you’re an ugly bastard - once again, your parents.

Scorpio
You know the old saying: the severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You don’t? Well you will soon because you’re about to get a chronic case of genital herpes. Jackpot!

Sagittarius
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s the light of an approaching train so you would be wise to move your fat ass out of it’s way unless you want to be flattened.
Then again, you have been thinking about flattening your stomach for a while now...

Capricorn
This is the second time that you have been scared half to death.
So if my mathematics are right, technically, you’re dead. How unfortunate.

Aquarius
An important question you might want to ask yourself is, how do blind people know when they are done wiping?
You may have shit in your eyes but just think how lucky you are.

Pisces
You’re not even worth it.

Crystal Balls Issue 595

Aries

YOUR boyfriend may have promised to be faithful whilst you are away in Australia but I’m staring into his quivering crystal balls as I type your stars. In all honesty I’m not the first, he’s already pulled half your home town.

He’s going to continue sleeping around and so should you.

My advice is for you to head out tonight and pick up the first guy you see. That’ll teach him.

There’s an Irish barman on King Street who’s a great shag. Just ask for D4 or Skittles and tell them Crystal sent you. He’ll sort you out with the knowledgeable use of his pump.

Taurus

WHO exactly do you think you are, stealing your best mate’s girlfriend?

They were more than happy before you stuck your big nose in and now they are both completely miserable.

Surprise, surprise you were in there to pick up the pieces and now you’ve sneakily slipped into his place and her face.

Oh, you think he doesn’t know what you’ve been up to behind his back?

When you think you’re having a sneaky shag, he’s watching you with eagle eyes and extra powerful night vision goggles.

Listen out for the rustling of Kleenex tissues – that’ll be him. He now wishes he was you and has even copied your bull-in-a-china-shop technique. Be afraid.

Gemini

BEING unemployed is not down to bad luck. It’s due to being a tosser.

Sleeping in until two in the afternoon, refusing to shower and dressing like a hobo on washday is not the way to impress an employer.

Cancer

MAYBE it’s time to finally take the plunge and catch a flight back to mediocrity.

You’re not exactly making the best use of your time out here, are you?

You’ve blown all your cash, developed an alcohol dependency and traded in your high flying city job to become a dishwasher.

Leo

I HATE Leos. You think you’re so special but what have you really achieved? Nothing.

You are full of your own bullshit and to be honest it makes me sick. I’m tired of you telling me how great you are. I know the truth. You’re lucky I wasn’t more harsh, you little bitches/bastards.

Virgo

I’VE heard of people burning the candles at both ends, but with the amount of afternoon drinking you’re doing it looks like you’re trying to light it in the middle as well.

You may think you are Keith Richards, but the only resemblance is that you both look like shit.

Libra

YOU have a job you like, you finally found a girl stupid enough to go out with you and you’ve got plenty of cash in the bank. In fact things are so good that they couldn’t possibly get any better – and they won’t.

Make the most of it before your world comes tumbling down as per usual.

Scorpio

WHATEVER happened to the stunning physique you had before you left home?

You had the best figure of anyone you knew and were beating the lads off with a stick. Now, if we’re honest you are a grade one heifer.

Too many nights drinking have ruined you and it’s time to head for the gym.

Sagittarius

NOBODY likes a thief and in turn nobody likes you.

If you want to borrow something just ask. Stealing your housemate’s stuff and then denying all knowledge will only get you into trouble.

He knows it’s you so it’s best to give up the ghost now.

Capricorn

THERE are more sensible ways of staying in Australia than marrying a hooker you met in Kings Cross.

Spend a few months working on a farm or picking fruit.

Tying the knot with some skag-dependent whore should not be an option.

Aquarius

HAVING two cars in the garage is great but just make sure there is some food in the fridge too.

It’s OK claiming to get paid far too much and trying to be as flash as your average blinged up American rap star, but it only works if you actually have the dollars to back it up.

Pisces

JUST because you’ve got a bit of the sniffles doesn’t mean you’ve got full blown AIDS.

When you start looking like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia then people will worry about you, but until then man-up.

Drop a few aspirin and learn to deal with it like someone who isn’t a two-year-old or female.

Ask Crystal