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A lorry carrying a tonne of imported chocolate from Nestle will crash into the lounge while you're watching television, killing you instantly. The Milky Bars are on you! Our thoughts are with your family at this tragic time. Cancer This month, you and your jet-fighter pilot partner Nick "Goose" Bradshaw are given the chance to train at the Navy's Fighter Weapons School. You progress through the training, enjoy a romance with a Kellie McGillis, and then overcome a crisis of confidence following a training accident in which Goose is killed - all with Kenny Loggins classic 'Danger Zone' playing in the background. Aquarius Aquarius - the water carrier. Or, in other words, the least interesting sign of the zodiac. With the possible exception of Libra. What is a water carrier anyway and how come they get their own frigging constellation? Isn't it about time we had celebrities replacing outdated zodiac signs to make horoscopes more accessible for "the kids". As of 2013, Aquarius will be renamed the Iceland-sponsored Kerry Katona constellation. Taurus Ignore the sniggers and snide remarks of your friends. Trust in the voice inside your head that keeps saying you have a beautiful singing voice that needs to be heard by a wider audience. Alas, the judges on Australian Idol think otherwise and, not only are you laughed off stage during your audition, you're also booted up the arse on the way out by celebrity judge Simon Cowell. You may feel suicidal now but, on the plus side, your tone-deaf screeching - combined with a dance that looks like your turning two screwdrivers while trying to extract yourself from mud - has brought joy to millions. Leo Oh bugger off Leo. Gemini Well done Gemini, it's a brave, brave decision you made. You've been in denial for so long, I never really thought you'd come out the closet but that night in The Tool Shed with Libra really opened your eyes to the lifestyle you've always craved. Just in time for Mardi Gras too. Libra For every gay person embracing their lifestyle choice, there's always another one crying in the bottom of the shower imagining his army colonel father yelling at him to be a 'real man'. Sadly, you are that man Libra. After your night of homosexual romping with Gemini, you became a self-hating psychopath. From March onwards, your life becomes a spiral of self-loathing; travelling from one gay club to the next for meaningless bum sex and then going home to yell at your long dead father's ghost. Scorpio The sultry Asia Argento stars as a woman who throws herself into a romantic request to search for her ex-lover and gets caught up in the fascinating Romanian gypsy culture. Phwoar! Virgo Your mother warned you about the dangers of coming to Australia; she told you of the many lethal creatures that could attack and kill you. Sharks, redbacks, brown snakes, stone fish, funnel webs... the list goes on and on. This month, a rabid possum bites your leg off. You take out its eye. For the rest of your lives, the two of you hunt each other for a final fight to the death to resolve the fierce quarrel. Sagittarius Your latent psychic powers finally manifest themselves granting you the ability to manipulate the mind of anyone within a 10 metre radius. Rather than using your powers to help people, you use them to make hotties take their clothes off. Worse. Super hero. Ever. Capricorn "It's only a game so, put up a real big fight," crooned comedy racist Jim Davidson, somewhat paradoxically, on the theme tune to snooker-based quiz show Big Break. Funnily enough, the next line "I'm gonna be snookering you tonight" are the last words you remember hearing after going to the toilet in The Tool Shed. You wake up the following morning bollock-naked on a strange bed, with something suspiciously sticky in your hair and a snooker cue rammed up your anus. Pisces Simon Cowell is reforming early 90s popsters Steps - and he wants you to be the new Lisa Scott Lee. A month of touring shit pubs around Sydney to nonplussed locals ensues. It's a tragedy.
BBM takes no responsibility or Crystal or her predictions.
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