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• THERE are certain things that you just don't mess with. Bombs, for example. |
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 Upon finding one, you might want to refer to another authority. A knowledge of three-pin plugs just won't suffice.
Tell that to Rodney Salomon though, a Florida fisherman who had an unusual find while out on his boat in the Gulf of Mexico.
After catching a live air-to-air missile on his boat, Rodney stayed out for another ten days with the device strapped to his vessel before returning to shore.
"I had it strapped to the roof of my boat as we rode through lightning storms," Salomon said, as his crazily winked and smashed a saucepan over his head.
"I wasn't scared. Why should I be scared?" Answer: Because you had a very large bomb with you for ten days.
A bomb squad dismantled the bomb when Salomon came back to shore and later said it could have gone off at any moment.
The madman wanted to keep the missile as a souvenir. Even stranger, he found a second device a few days later, which he threw back after hearing beeping.
• THE classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior foretold of man giving birth.
Just as Terminator foretold of the impending war between man and machine (deal with it people, it is coming).
Junior was certainly prophetic, as Thomas Beattie, an American man who has female sex organs, gave birth to his first child last July. It was weird shit.
Well, he's back for more. Tom has got him self stuffed again. How, we're not sure but he's certainly stuffed.
Beattie, who is legally a boy but still has the female bits, shocked the world, including your poor granny, when he announced his first pregnancy.
"I feel it's not a male or female desire to have a child. It's a human need. I'm a person and I have the right to have a biological child," he said.
"We are a man, woman and child. It's ironic that we are so different but yet, we're just a family, just the same as anyone else."
• MAKING a twat of yourself is a bit of an occupational habit of the single's world.
 When to call, when not to call, what to say, whether to stop the stalking - it's a delicate and difficult process.
Dimitri, a resident of Toronto, doesn't quite get it right. His advances towards a women called Olga have found their way onto the internet, i.e. Olga uploaded them.
"I am single. I have no trouble meeting women. Women approach me six or seven times a day but I'm very particular about what I like," the Non Juan says in the first message.
"I couldn't take my eyes off you and your friends were very jealous. Even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you.
He finishes the message with: "You may not get the message until Monday, but when you do, call me and then we'll get together for coffee and chat and let the romance begin."
No sign of a call back a few days later, the D man loses it a bit.
"I know your friends tell you not to return calls, you're playing games like you see on stupid TV shows.
"Maybe you were abused in childhood, maybe your mother has cancer, maybe you're going through chemo, maybe you're just a person who is just extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder."
Look out ladies - he's a smooth one!
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 • A GROUP of Japanese Transport officials are receiving stand-up comedy lessons in attempt to improve their ability to speak to clients.
What a waste. Why didn't they just send them to Blighty, where politicians have had the country in hysterics (if you can't cry, you might as well laugh) for months now?
Claiming taxpayers' money for moat repairs was a beautiful tribute to the comic height of Monty Python.
And Gordon Brown's subsequent handling of the palaver recalls Frank Spencer at his best. And the fact that Dave ‘Trendy' Cameron's delightfully manicured fingers are wrapping slightly more tighter around the sceptre of power really is the piece de la resistance.
Back to Japan though. More than 100 transport ministry officials in their 20s got tips this week from professional comedians as part of training in communication skills.
"By experiencing comedy routines, we hope they can learn more about how to speak to clients and how to manage their staff as they begin to have more management responsibility," said Atsuya Kawada, deputy director of the ministry's personnel division.
• FLYING is grim at the best of times (ed - don't worry, we're not doing any Air France jokes).
What was a luxury experience decades ago has turned into an airborne Tube trip, complete with looming Deep Vein Thrombosis, chipper air stewards and recirculated arse air.
Generally, the best and most employed coping mechanism is a copious dose of red wine and the safe retreat of several iPod playlists.
And that's just for one or two long hauls.
Spare a thought for the American comedian Mark Malkoff who has decided to tackle his fear of flying head on.
"A lot of people have a fear of flying, including myself. I have been trying to get over my fear for a long time. So what I am going to do is stay on a commercial airplane for an entire month," Malkoff says in a video on his website.
He is going to fly back and forth on budget airliner Airtran flights.
Don't know how he is going to wash himself, or, if he is at all.
You can follow his mad journey on his website: www.markonairtran.com.
• DEATH: it's not great is it? It hangs over our heads like a sword of Damocles.
Who is to say for example that you won't die today in some type of horrible accident?
Not us certainly. You could be killed by a bus, murdered and cut up and buried in a forest, or maybe you'll just have one of those fits, shit yourself and quietly slip into the nether. It's all possible.
You'd hope that you're dealt with compassionately after your passing - a few nice speeches, some triangular sandwiches at the reception, that sort of thing.
What you would not hope for is for your legs to be chopped of so that your body fits into the coffin.
Unfortunately, that's what happened to James Hines of California.
An employee of Cave Funeral Home used an electric saw to remove Mr Hines' legs from mid-calf and placed them inside the coffin. His family were a bit upset.
Mr Hines' wife, Ann, said she heard rumours about his legs soon after he was buried in October 2004.
She said Cave Funeral Home agreed to settle outside of court, but the workers never apologised.
 • NOWADAYS, more and more people are waiting until their thirties to get married or have children.
Not Desmond Hatchett though.
The 29-year-old Tenessee man has got a round a bit, to say the least. He has 21 children, with 11 different women.
The prolific procreator was taken to court recently for failing to make child support payments.
"The children can't all be supported by Desmond, so the state of Tennessee has had to step in," said his lawyer.
The residents of Knoxville, where Hatchett also lives, are so sick and tired of his antics that they have called for him to be castrated.
All in all, a well-adjusted town then.
Hatchett's defence for his out of control bad fathering and shagging was that ‘it just happened'.
Well, it ‘just happened' 21 times. A couple of indiscretions might be put down to bad luck.
A total of 21 occasions suggests the brain capacity of a lobotomised Paris Hilton.
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• WELCOME to this week's lesson, entitled Children and Stupidity.
And without waste, we bring you to example number one. Fin Keheler (11) from Utah in the United States
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Read more... [MR T SECTION]
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• WE can't help but be confused about what to make of this story, given that we are big believers in breast feeding but fear for our lives when a woman controlling a vehicle does so much as lift their little finger off the steering wheel. So we'll leave it for you to decide if Alice Springs police should have arrested a teenage
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Read more... [Mr T's Crazy Fools]
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• I T'S a very fine line between being a crazy fool and bloody unlucky, so thankfully doctors in Brazil were able to successfully remove a six-inch fishing spear from the brain of a man who fired it at himself while diving off the coast of Rio.
Emerson de Oliveira Abreu fired the spear, which ricocheted off rocks and penetrated his own head so deeply that only the tip was showing. Local media initially reported he was accidentally shot by a friend, as they thought what actually happened was completely implausible. Idiots.
It took surgeons five hours to remove the spear, which entered above the eye and missed the most critical areas of his brain.
The surgeon said Mr Abreu was doing well and unlikely to suffer lasting damage. "It's a miracle," said his father, Edilson.
It's not the first time we've seen Spears mess with someone's own head before making a miraculous recovery, is it Britney?
• IF you are a law-abiding citizen with a relaxed attitude to your sexuality, it's probably in your best interests to avoid Michigan as the fun police and actual police are one and the same.
Unbelieveably, a completely victimless crime involving a man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum led to a 90 day prison sentence. What is the world coming to?
Jason Leroy Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure after a resident reported ‘suspicious activity' at a car wash near Detroit. If you get imprisoned for suspicious activity with your own genitals, expect next week's issue to be written from behind bars.
•  NOW we all know that it is in the genetical make-up of old women to nag something chronic and many a relationship has been scuppered by an interfering mother-in-law, but on reflection Bosnian Miroslav Miljici may think he over-reacted a bit to a few snide comments about his laziness, selfishness, drunkenness or some other so-called ‘crime'.
Claiming the she-devil had convinced his wife to leave him, the desperate husband tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher. A little bit OTT do you reckon?
Well not according to mad Miroslav. When the old bint survived the rocket attack, he tried to finish her off with a machine gun.
Amazingly, the lucky lady survived both attacks with barely a scratch, and even more amazingly proved to be a flawless judge of character. But it is suprising Miljici was jailed for six years for attempted murder as his defence was that he could no longer take her nagging. Surely it's got to be taken into account.
• DRINK driving is a selfish and despicable thing to do, and those who risk the lives of innocents deserve everything coming to them. Still, having said that, we can't help feeling a tinge of sympathy for an American man arrested and charged with drink driving after he crashed a motorised bar stool.
The 28-year-old invented and created the bar stool which can reach speeds of 38mph, but was left wishing he had a bar to hold him up after rolling the Frankenstein-esque lawnmower/bar stool combo on his way home from the pub in Newark, Ohio.
The five-horsepower engine was carrying him at about 20 mph when he crashed it. He then admitted drinking about 15 beers when interviewed by police at hospital - but after the accident.
"I was riding bar stool and I wrecked. I wasn't drinking when I wrecked, I drank afterwards because my head hurt," he said.
The man was issued a citation for operating a vehicle while intoxicated and driving under suspension. Nevertheless, the cocky chancer has pleaded not guilty at an initial hearing.
We wish we could be in court to hear this dickhead's defence, but his excuses can't be worse than those used by this bloke ...
• A POLISH MP who failed a drink-driving test claimed it was because he had eaten too many apples.
Marek Latas denied having drunk alcohol when he was pulled up, and when asked why a test showed 0.7 units of alcohol in his blood, said:  "I'm diabetic, I ate a few apples before driving."
Despite the legal limit being 0.2, Latas, of the opposition Law and Justice Party, added: "I have been involved in no accident, I underwent a routine roadside check. I was confident there was no chance I had alcohol in my blood."
The prosecutor's office is investigating. Unless the prosecutor is in the Law and Justice Party we don't hold much hope, Marek.
• PICTURE this fairly common scene, you are using a pair of scissors as a toothpick when someone suddenly makes you laugh and you end up swallowing the bloody things.
Happens to people all the time, right? What do you mean no?
For people who have been known to - and been renumerated for our ability to - swallow anything it doesn't sound all that unusual to us but there was consternation in Putian, China, when Mr Lin, 27, was rushed to hospital to have them removed.
"He gave a big laugh on hearing a joke from a friend, and unexpectedly the scissors slipped inside his throat," his wife said.
The man tried to cough the scissors back up again but that only made the situation worse. X-rays showed the 9cm long and 4cm wide scissors had fully entered Lin's oesophagus.
Dr Chen Wei said: "When he came in, his face was twisted, pale, and sweating. The patient was having difficulty swallowing, and blood was mixed with his saliva."
Doctors eventually removed the scissors with forceps. These surgeons were a cut above the rest and their prices were a snip.
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