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 American prat Dante Autullo is as hard as nails. Literally. The nutjob accidentally fired a nail gun into his head last month but, because there was only a small scrath on the surface of his scalp, he wrongly assumed it had just been a glancing blow. As a result, he walked around with a nine-centimetre nail stuck inside his skull for two days before deciding to go to hospital.
The father of four finally went for treatment after complaining of nausea and headaches following a nap.
Doctors hailed him as something of a medical miracle as he was 'walking and talking' - and later revealed the nail had lodged itself just millimetres from the section that controls motor functions.
Dante's fiancée (what a lovely turn of phrase!) Gail Glaenzer said she thought it was 'a miracle' he had survived, after undergoing successful surgery in Oak Lawn, Illinois, to remove the nail and install a titanium plate in his skull.
"Un-freaking-believable," she exclaimed in the uncouth manner of a true American.
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 Uncouth taxi drivers, Italian-Americans asking your girlfriend 'how you doin?', police officers who stab first ask questions later, lollipop ladies who yell 'fuckin jerk-off' to anyone crossing the road.
We haven't actually been to New York but we've heard from good authority that that's what it's like, a preconception backed by a new poll which named the Big Apple as America's rudest city.
Following up were Miami in second place, Washington DC, and three-time champ and road-rage riots capital Los Angeles.
"People in New York are constantly in a rush," Thomas P. Farley, author of What Manners Most blog, said.
"Certainly, they don't linger on corners smiling, waving, and waiting to help people. But once you've stopped a New Yorker and asked them for directions, they're usually more than helpful."
We're assuming he means they're helpful after they've mugged you.
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 Dressing up as something you're not in order to scam a bit of extra cash is hardly a new idea. We've all heard of conmen who dress up as electricity meter readers to fool unsuspecting pensioners into letting them in their house. And even BBM has fallen foul of a deceptive appearance, notably in Bangkok when we got the 'lady' in question back to our hotel.
But a 52-year-old hospital owner in Pakistan has taken con-artistry to new heights after pretending to be a brash army general for three years in order to earn favour from the country's powerbrokers.
Bluff-master Maqsood Shah was eventually caught near an army area in eastern Karachi as he strolled in uniform to meet a government official in order to clinch approval for an illegal land transfer.
But temporarily forgetting that, in reality, he has zero influence or power in Pakistan, Shah got a bit too into his role and threatened the official - who subsequently tipped off police.
"We have arrested a man who runs a private hospital but has been successfully pretending to be a lieutenant general for three years to grab land and garner undue favours," a senior police official Ghulam Subhani said.
"We checked him out to confirm that he was a fake and arrested him outside the cantonment ... He is the brother of a retired army colonel who is abroad. We found fake military gear, an AK-47 rifle and a Blackberry from his house."
Police accused Shah of ringing up several provincial cabinet ministers and pretending to be a general in order to solicit "undue favours".
He even attended the funeral of influential local politician Pir Pagara, paying his respects in uniform without being detected.
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Latest Slash-And-Hack Computer Game |
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 Video game giants Sega are set to give the phrase 'cock-fighting' a whole new angle with their latest project - a game machine that works by measuring how fast and loud you piss into a urinal.
The 'Toylet' device is fitted into bar bathroom urinals, which are fitted with sensors and small digital displays at eye level.
A novel idea? Or did Sega just get the wrong end of the stick when they heard Nintendo were working on a wee console?
"This gives bar customers more things to talk about when they return from bathrooms to their tables," said Hiroyuki Tanaka, Sega spokesman. "We have had good feedback from our customers that toilet cleanliness has improved."
Five games are available so far, including "Hold, Manneken Pis!", named after a famous Brussels fountain depicting a small boy in the act. Players compete on the volume of their piss on that one, but in "Splashing Battle!" the user takes on the previous visitor in a virtual fight based on stream strength.
Amazingly, the game titled "Violent wind warning has been issued" has nothing to do with other lavatory explosions - instead the player tries to blow up a virtual girl's skirt with a digital wind, the strength of which depends on the power of your urine flow.
Sega has installed about 130 Toylets at around 100 bars and restaurants across Japan for 150,000 yen each. We don't know about you but it sounds like a dodgy idea to BBM. We can barely go when there's some bloke stood next to us, throw in a digital death fight and it'll be straight to the cubicle every time - even if we only want a number one.
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 When BBM needs to drop the kids off at the pool, give us a Game of Thrones book and we can be in there for a good hour. But we have to tip our hat to a 21-year-old Palestinian woman who claims she's been on the bog for a piles-busting 10 years.
Baraa Melhem says she was locked in a bathroom for the past decade by her father, who only let her out in the dead of night so she could clean the house.
Melhem said her father would tell her that "People are monsters" as the reason she wasn't let out of the shithouse. "And don't forget to scrub around the rim this time," he would presumably add.
Palestinian police said they freed Melhem from the small bathroom of a home in the West Bank city of Qalqilya after an anonymous tip.
Melhem told Voice of Palestine radio that when she was 11, her father confined her to the toilet and did not allow her to go to school or see her mother, whom he had divorced.
According to a statement issued by Palestinian police, the father, citing a "family dispute," admitted to locking up his daughter and feeding her mainly bread. On the plus side, at least he didn't give her curries. Imagine that - suffocated by your own bum gas.
She was beaten with a baton and metal wires and given only one blanket to keep her warm, said social worker Hala Shreim.
"The bathroom was only 1-1/2 meters big, it was like a cell," Shreim said. "Her only consolation was a radio which kept her connected to the world ... She told me that she loves life and has to live."
It is unsure whether 'severe constipation' is a good enough legal reason to keep a kid trapped in a bathroom for ten years.
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