|
 Dear Crystal
I AM a closet redhead who dyes her hair, but I’ve got a major problem. I’ve started seeing this guy and it has been getting pretty serious.
Very soon I can see us consummating this relationship and I’m worried he might be put off when he sees the collar doesn’t match the cuffs. I’m sure he’s not that superficial but I can’t help it nagging me. Do you think I’m being silly?
Mary, Cornwall
Dear Mary,
EEUUURRRGGGHHH, a fanta pants writing to me! Get back, I don’t want any of your ginger gash germs!
If I was you I’d be dousing myself in agent orange, or whatever it takes to get rid of your affliction. Failing that just try and make the room as dark as possible and hope to God that your carrot crop doesn’t glow.
Dear Crystal,
RECENTLY we all went out for a heavy session of boozing and made our way to a local club. They were having some student style dirty games on stage with free drink for the winners.
The game I was signed up for involved having a girl sit on my lap and the pair of us bouncing up and down on a foot pump to try and blow up a balloon. The girl I chose had too much vodka.
She got far too excited as we grinded and ended up pissing herself in front of hundreds of clubbers and leaving me soaked in urine. Now I can’t show my face in public.
My pals won’t stop taking the piss (no pun intended) and my bird dumped me out of shame.
What do I do?
James, Wollongong
Dear James,
LET’S look at the positives, at least she didn’t drop a steaming turd on you. That’s one good thing. You’re still in control of all your bodily functions, which is clearly more than can be said for some.
As for your girlfriend, if she is going to let a bit of water-sports action come between you then clearly it wasn’t meant to be.
As always, time is a healer and people soon forget. If not, then I guess you’re just going to have to get used to be being called “that bloke that bird pissed on in that club that time.”
It’s probably better than your previous title of “that bloke caught fiddling with the sheep.”
|
|
|
 Dear Crystal,
I WONDER if you can help. The other day this lovely curvaceous girl caught my eye on the street. I can’t stop thinking about her and the unspeakable acts I want her to perform on me.
Nothing unusual about this for me – except that the girl was a midget.
The fantasy is invading my every waking thought. Help me conquer my hobbit horn. Please Crystal, you’re my only hope.
“Gorgeous” Phil, Noosa
Dear Phil,
MY, my “Gorgeous” Phil you have developed quite a dangerous and potentially destructive dwarf fetish.
What about just making do with a short girl? I fear that the deep rooted psychological cause of your dwarf-lust is that you are insecure about the size of your own appendage.
But don’t be fooled into thinking that just because she’s a dwarf she’ll think your love muscle is all the more impressive.
Haven’t you seen midget porn? Some of those tiny folk are hung like thoroughbred stallions.
I think you should forget your dwarf day-dreaming before you end up feeling inadequate again.
Dear Crystal,
I AM finding myself increasingly attracted to the owner of the company I work for.
It is the largest producer of whiteboard markers in Australia and I am scared that I’m only attracted to his power.
The other problem is that, at the age of 21, most of my friends think I should not be pursuing an 82-year-old man with consistent and often obvious incontinence problems.
Should I listen to them or follow my heart?
Cathy, Gold Coast
Dear Cathy,
FIRST things first: does he have any heart problems?
If so, then snap this hunk up as soon as possible. You can get over most of his problems through the use of pads that are available at most chemists.
Also, practical jokes like creeping up behind him, slipping something in his tea or vigorous neck massages will liven up any relationship.
The sex may be a problem, but I received an e-mail offering me ‘Viagra for only $10’ the other day. I’m sure it is totally legit.
|
Dear Crystal,
I HAVE recently met the girl of my dreams and we get on like a house on fire. 
Deep down I think she feels the same way, but I'm afraid she is a bit out of my league and may give me a crushing rejection.
What is my best approach to get my dream girl? She flirts with me all the time, but my feelings run deeper and I think I'm in love with her. I've been nothing but a complete gentleman, but it seems like she's a little bit of a wild girl. Should I try a different approach?
Brett, Brisbane
Dear Brett,
FIRST of all, Brett, I share a deep love of one thing with every female on the planet - money, and lots of it.
There is nothing that turns a girl on faster than a wallet full of platinum credit cards - well, apart from maybe a bad boy with an expensive coke habit.
Unfortunately it seems as if you're clearly far too sweet to possess either and may be forced to settle for the fat Goth geek with braces instead.
Dear Crystal,
AFTER meeting a girl on an internet dating site we seemed to click immediately and wrote to each other regularly for a month.
We then decided to meet in person. The conversation was pleasant and I thought it couldn't have gone any better, but my hopes of physical contact in the form of a hug or kiss were dashed at the end of the night.
The same thing happened on the second, third and fourth dates and then she refused to answer my calls and e-mails. I just don't know what I did wrong. Any ideas? Should I give up hope?
Denzil, Darwin
Dear Denzil,
IDEAS? Well I've got a few. How about the thought she doesn't fancy sticking her tongue into a something that smells like a racoon's arse and tastes worse.
What about the fact your back has more hair than a brown bear, you haven't changed your boxers in six weeks and you're sniffing around at least another dozen girls online?
These are all just suggestions of course. Apart from all that, you're quite a catch.
|
|
|
Dear Crystal,
I HAVE this strange craving for smelling my dad's dirty underwear.
I know it sounds weird, but I just love his crotch scent. It's just hard to sneak around trying to steal his boxers without him knowing.
I don't know how to explain it, the smell is just so appetizing. What should I do?
Miranda, Byron Bay
Dear Miranda,
AS SICK and perverted as you are, I will attempt to help.
If you're worried about getting caught indirectly sniffing your father's sweaty penis, you could just extract the essence by sinking a pile of dirty underwear in some water.
From there, you can create a perfume that smells just like him so you can inhale his scent whenever you want.
Just be cautious of wearing it around him.
Or anyone for that matter.
Dear Crystal,
AS MUCH as I love pussy and sex, and God knows I don't want to get an infection on my John, I just can't stand condoms.
They are annoying and they irritate me.
But girls won't touch me unless I wrap my junk. Is there any way I can get around this?
Sean, Bundaberg
Dear Sean,
WELL you sound like a bit of a cock. Alas, I'm bound by agony aunt law to help you and it just so happens that you're problem is an easy one to solve.
When the clothes come off, put a condom on your enlarged member in front of her. When she's not looking, cut about half of the upper condom off so all you have left is the bottom part. This way, when you're penetrating her, she will see the part of the condom that's left, but you will get the pleasurable sensation of skin to skin. |
|
|
<< Start < Prev 1 2 3 Next > End >>
|
|
Page 3 of 3 |
Ask Crystal 