It’ll be a seriously deluded person who can’t admit the first half of this year’s FA Cup Final was little more than a turgid display of epic shitness from both teams.
Luckily, for Chelsea, they were just a little less shit than Liverpool this year, and the two goals gifted to them were enough to see the utterly charming group of despicable bastards lift the cup. (Yes, I am a Liverpool fan.)
Wee Jay Spearing helped Chelsea on their way with a mistake to allow Ramires to get a run on Jose Enrique, before slotting the ball past Pepe Reina – who for some reason had decided to dive before Ramires had taken his shot. The game trundled along with the mediocrity you’d expect of a game featuring Stewart Downing, until Didier ‘Fucking’ Drogba found the ball at his feet before putting it through Martin Skrtel’s legs and into the net to make it 2-0.
Liverpool started the 2nd half in the same vein – i.e. being absolutely hopeless – until the introduction of Andy Carroll brought some much needed swashbuckling ponytail action.
The pissed-up Geordie may never be worth £35m, but he finally looks a proper player capable of controlling the ball, and he produced a lovely – if slightly bizarre looking – series of moves in the box to befuddle media-darling John Terry, and fire the ball into the roof of the net to make it 2-1.
Carroll continued to put the shitters up the Londoners and late on looked to have put Liverpool level with a header that may or may not have gone over the line. (We won’t know conclusively because, in a world where we walk around talking into our portable, touch-activated personal assistants, we’re still unable to place a camera directly in line with the goal line.)
But never mind. What’s done is done, and Chelsea have won. Chelsea look forward to their Champions League Final date, and Liverpool look forward to yet another summer of rebuilding which will hopefully see a number of changes to the squad and the firing of Charlie Adam out of a cannon.
If you want to read more on Chelsea… go to someone else. They make me sick.
By Peter Simpson