What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise profusely. Ashley, Chiswick
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
On a lucky day, lipstick, Mauro, Greenwich
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the Microwave until it’s Bill Withers. Frank, St Kilda
Did you hear that famous girl Reese something or other got stabbed to death today? You know the one from legally blonde…
No with a knife. Jonny, Richmond.
What do you call a man that’s just been mauled by a tiger?
Claude. Jim, Bondi
There are two snowmen in a field, one says to the other ‘can you smell carrot?’ Jo, Fitzroy
How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram, Ben, Surry Hills
What do gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAY, Robin, Manly?
Did you hear about the blonde sky diver?
Pulled the wrong string and bleed to death. Lucy, Woolloomooloo
A lady pays £1000 for a penis skin handbag…her friend says “that’s expensive for just a handbag” she replies “not really, if u stroke it turns into a suitcase”?Miranda, Kings Cross
Two peanuts were walking through a park.
One was assaulted. Pip, Darlinghurst
What’s worse than finding a fly in your soup?
That it’s undone and there’s a cock inside! Tommy, Newcastle
A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bra walks up to the counter & says “I’ll have 2 beers”. The bartender says “I can’t serve ya mate. The bra says “What are ya talkin about? We only just got here”. The bartender replies “Yeah but your off ya tits & ya mate looks like he’s about to start somethin”!?Tim, Fremantle
What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson?
Jeremy Clarkson still does top gear. Grant, Melbourne
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my penis and asked what was I doing… apparently “heating up your dinner” was not the right answer!?Tom, Clovelly
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”. Lou, Brunswick