 I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come let me know. Jason, St Kilda
After I've finished masturbating, I like to sit on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich. Greg, Surry Hills
Was walking home from the pub with my mate when he got hit by a car.
He lay there writhing in agony. He screamed at me, "Call me an ambulance... call me a fucking ambulance!"
So I shouted at him, "You're a fucking ambulance" Richard, Bondi
When it comes to girls, I'm like the tortoise.
I like to get there before the hair. Phil, Paddington
The missus said to me, "Our marriage has come to an end."
I said, "Fuck off, only good things come to an end." Gary, Kings Cross
The new "Freedom Tower", which is replacing the fallen Twin Towers, is almost built.
Al Qaeda are calling it, "Level 2". Mike, Fitzroy
I went up to the drugstore counter and
said, "I need some condoms and some
pesticide."
The girl said, "Don't you mean spermicide?"
No, I said, "I need pesticide. My wife has a
bug up her ass and I'm going after it. Ben, Manly |
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 We've always suspected that anyone who could dance whilst reaching those high notes might drop anchor in pooh bay, but now it's looking almost confirmed that John Travolta may be batting for both teams since it emerged that he may have sexually assaulted two of his masseurs.
Here's the John Travolta jokes that you kind lot have been sending in to us.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and John Travolta? The fridge doesn't shit itself when you pull the meat out! Pete, Olympia
How do you get John Travolta to fuck a woman?
Take a shit in her cunt! Jason, St Kilda
Why did Travolta grow a mustache? To hide the stretch marks. Richard, Darlinghurst
John Travolta was sitting in a spa with his mates when suddenly a bubble of semen floated to the surface of the pool. His mate then said "John you dirty bastard! Did you just fart?!" Keith, Ningaloo
John Travolta has recently been diagnosed with HIV. What a bummer... Lee, Surry Hills
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your hole,
Cos here comes John's willy. James, Bondi
"As a Scientologist, it's against my religion to lay down with another man," says the 58-year old John Travolta. "I mean, what's next...someone accusing Tom Cruise of being gay?" Hans, Fitzroy
When I met John Travolta in a bar in Los Angeles, I asked him what annoyed him most about being famous. "That's easy," he replied, "It's all the libellous things that people write about me." And then he got down on his knees and sucked my cock. Gina, Melbourne
John Travolta Accused Of Sexual Assault On Masseur...Again...click HERE
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 Last night I saw a man and a woman kissing, and it was obvious they were very much in love. I just had to let them know. So I walked up to them and said "I must say, you two make the sweetest couple."
They looked at me for a moment, slightly taken aback, before the man replied:
"Who the fuck are you and how the hell did you get in our house?!!" Wayne, Bondi
The wife said to me, "I don't know what the fuck's wrong with you, I bend over backwards to make you happy".
I said, "Try bending over forwards for a fucking change". Phil, Surry Hills
"Claire Lomas, paralysed from the waist down, is hoping to raise more than £50,000 for Spinal Reserch by finishing the london marathon within two weeks". Just imagine how much they'll get if she doesn't make it ... Dennis, Darlinghurst
I have aids, so me and my girlfriend have our own version of Russian Roullette. I buy 6 condoms, poke a hole in one and tell her to choose wisely. Dan, Kings Cross
The wife's finally onto me after a recent affair.
She weighs 18 stone and I can't move. Fred, St Kilda
My mate died after taking an E.
Countdown's security staff don't fuck about. Ken, Fitzroy
As the police interviewed me I was emphatic in my denial- "I had nothing to do with the abduction and rape of that little girl!".
Which was probably a mistake considering I was being questioned about an unpaid parking fine. Dean, Fremantle |
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 We're all used to Courtney Love doing wildy inappropriate things, such as getting her tits out on Twitter, her massive drug binges that result in her trashing hotel rooms, and of course feuding with her poor daughter, Francis Beane who wants nothing to do with the crazy old mad cow. So with all this in mind, here are a few Courtney Love jokes...seeing as she continually provides a source of entertainment.
How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain? Josh, Bondi
Courtney Love's Hole has finally re-formed. If it's taken this long then Cobain's cock must have been massive. Ed, Surry Hills
I saw Courtney Love drop her luggage outside an airport.
It's not the first time she's miscarried. Rob, Darlinghurst
My friend asked if I wanted to see Courtney Love on her new tour.
I think I would rather shoot myself in the face with a shotgun. Caesar, St Kilda
Courtney Love has tried to say on Twitter that she is appaulled by the use of Kurt Cobain in the new Guitar Hero. However, this is word for word what she wrote:
"This trust are my employees, but whatthey [sic] are tryong [sic] to do is sickening, and they need to be fired, and repairations [sic] need made."
I didn't know she went to the school with Liam Gill's mates. Holly, Kings Cross
For more funny news...click HERE |
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So Donna Summer has sadly died, but what kind of sick bastards would we be if we didn't provide you lot with some ill timed jokes. So please sit back and enjoy our collection of Donna Summer jokes.