 My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one. Billy, Pattaya
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Paul, Fremantle
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Dane, Surfers Paradise
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Jen, Cardiff
I had no idea time zones were so far apart...
Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently. Suzy, Paddington
If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth. Lisa, Manly
How do you make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him. Jack, Lost at Sea
I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.
Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock Ben, Clapham
I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.
She said "Dave, get off the fucking swing." Dave, in the park
I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka. Simon, LA
"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"
"I'm too drunk, you get in." Jimmy, Kings Cross
My wife asked me to taste a placenta earlier.
But my tounge wouldn't reach. Mark, Peterborough
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 - Australians NEVER die... they just stay down under! Jim, Perth
- Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened! Tim, London
- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball. Jamie, Melbourne
- An Australian gentleman should always offer to light his girlfriend's farts before lighting his own. Lance, Melbourne
- If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs? Olivia, Sydney
- Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. Jason, London
- What's the difference between an Australian and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. Sarah, Adelaide
- Whats an Australian's idea of Foreplay? ‘you awake?' Max, Manchester
- Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?' Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.' Steve, Melbourne
- Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids. Katy, Perth
- An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex. The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed." The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!" The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!" Kalub, London
- Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'." Jim, Sydney
- A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag! Kenny, Perth |
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"Excuse me, any ideas as to what I do with this helmet?"
"Sorry I don't, the entire concept goes over my head." Sarah, Windsor
I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my Nan for Sex tonight by mistake.
I meant 'Tomorrow' John, Petersham
What do you get when you cross a railway with a fridge?
Killed. Pete, Potts Point
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Jamie, Perth
'I've got 99 problems and they're all FABULOUS!'
- Gay-Z Jim, Coogee
BBC News - Tesco reveals 2.3% fall in sales over Christmas.
I'm looking at you Anthony Worrall Thompson!!! Graham, Darlinghurst
Probably a good thing that Ashley Young left Aston Villa for Manchester United, other wise their strike force would have been 'Young, Keane and Bent' David, Bondi
Boy- Why do you straighten your hair?
Girl- To make it longer.
*Boy's in hospital*
Girl- How did you burn your dick? Jen, Croydon
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her. Mike, Darwin
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break. Barnaby, Glasgow
How do you make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him. Sara, Leeds
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Eamon, Brisbane
How do you start a rave in Africa?
Glue toast to the ceiling.
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Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -
It gives you something to read while you're in the shitter. Mark, Kings Cross
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Simon, Surry Hills
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 I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate, "That's us in 10 years" He said, "That's a mirror. dickhead." Richard, Darlinghurst
For centuries, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth. So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will often say, "Let's have another baby." But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, "Tell you what, Dave... kick me in the bollocks again!" Will, Surry Hills
A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe". She replies, "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk." Paul, Paddington
My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had. So for a laugh I shaved his eyebrows off and drew a cock on his head. But my sister went fucking mad when she looked into his cot. Ben, Kings Cross
Cowboy and his new wife checking into a hotel, clerk asks "Do you want the bridal?". Cowboy answers "No I'll just hold her ears till she gets used to it." Angie, Adelaide
The girlfriend bought me a lovely new watch for my birthday. "Do you like it?" she said. "It's great!" I said, "It will remind me of your vagina." She laughed, "Is that because its exclusive and sexy?" I replied "Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist." Lucy, Richmond
I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love I thought to myself... these fucking tazers are well worth the money. James, Fremantle
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