Jokes From Pubs Around Oz |
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 DOCTOR, Doctor I've got rotten teeth, bad breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease! Peter, The Darlo
TWO deaf lesbians are walking down the road with their hands in each others knickers...
What are they doing? Lip reading. Mark, Also in the Darlo
DOCTOR Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Well, that means you're crackers! Andrew, Pig n Whistle
WHY did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing. Jimmy, The Porterhouse
HEY, Noah, do you want a drink?
Noah don't. Richard, Rosie O'Gradey's
DID you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
He couldn't do a fling with it. Joe, Manly
HAVE you ever wondered if one of the notes in your wallet was ever in a stripper’s butt crack? Jimmy, Lost
Q. When is a Fairy not a Fairy? ?A. When she has her mouth round a Pixie’s dick then she’s a Goblin!!! Jack, Tea Garden's
STEVEN Hawkins goes on a date, the first in over ten years.
He arrives back from his date with a broken wrist, broken ankle, and scuffed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.' Ted, Cock n Bull
Q. Why have Welsh farmers begun to wear kilts?
A. Welsh sheep now recognise the sound of a zip. Chloe, Lucky Coq
3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ? Mike, Bridie O'Reilleys
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. ?"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?" ?"Not yet," she replied, Jill, Beach Rd
ROSES are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m using my hand,
But I’m thinking of you. Paul, The Outback
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I Don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more. They're too complicated for women.
Rich, Edgecliff
I went for a self-defense class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me."
When I saw him at Woolworths the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.
Ted, Bronte
My brother was diagnosed as mute today. He kept that one at his quiet.
Todd, Papua New Guinea
My wife took as restraining order out on me claiming I was mentally unstable. I was horrified and wrote her a sternly worded letter protesting my innocence.
Unfortunately I couldn't find a pen so I wrote it on the wall in my own shit and semen.
Timothy, St Kitts
If my balls come out on the lottery tonight, my career as a TV presenter will be in ruins.
Terry, Bondi
The word "fucked" is pronounced differently in Essex. Fact.
Frank, The medieval Period
My wife told me she's getting fed up of my boring facts.
"Who gives a flying fuck?" she said angrily.
"Dragonflies," I replied.
Peter, Coogee
I told my new flatmate today that she reminded me of a toe.
"Becasue I'm small and cute?" she said.
"No." I replied. "Because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I'm drunk."
Jimmy, Double Bay
My wife said: "I'm bored, can we try a new position?".
"No," I replied. "You're staying in the passenger seat where you belong."
Jack, The Titanic
I had relative success with my dating agency in Norwich.
Jonny, Randwick |
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I was at a restaurant with my vegetarian girlfriend yesterday.
As I was about to tuck into my steak, she asked: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?”
I wish we could go just one day without her mentioning the fact that I killed her mum.
John, Brisbane
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.
Timothy, Perth
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
Terry, Bondi
Mental note: Actual notes work better.
Todd, Wigan
I went out and bought FIFA the other day.
It’s great being president of Qatar.
Peter, Coogee
Top three reasons to stand up:
1) To get the remote
2) To go to the bathroom
3) Because you’re the real Slim Shady.
Ted, Bronte
I was trying to pull a girl so I asked her ‘What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of “pensi”?’
When I got her back to my bedroom I revealed the answer was my spine.
Thomas, Brisbane
I’m red all over. From my head tomatoes.
Frank, Cairns
The US X Factor sacked Cheryl Cole because audiences couldn’t understand her.
How come when I sacked Mohammed for the same reason, I ended up in front of a tribunal for unfair dismissal on grounds of racism?
Jimmy, Edgecliff
My mum won the Irish Lottery.
Now she owes them six million quid.
Jack, Bondi
I think my wife has gone mental. I asked her what she was reading, but she just ignored me and said, “Hello Magazine.”
Johnny, Randwick
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Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he’s happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally.
Timothy, Perth
I sent a player off in the first minute of a match today for deliberate handball.
He said: “You haven’t got a fucking clue what you’re doing, ref.”
I said: “Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say... right lads, scrum down.”
Terry, Bondi
Adele’s arse cheek brushed against my face earlier while she played a concert in London.
Strange because I was in Wigan at the time.
Todd, Wigan
I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.
John Humphreys said, “Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?”
I said, “I couldn’t say.”
He said, “Correct, question two...”
Peter, Coogee
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Thomas, Brisbane
My dad came up to me today and said, “Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?”
“No problem,” I said. “Leave everything to me.”
Frank, Cairns
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
Jimmy, Edgecliff
‘Barack Obama to stay at Buckingham Palace.’
Word of advice, your Majesty:
Don’t come out of the shower with a towel around your head.
John, Brisbane
My celibate friend is so annoying. He doesn’t believe in fucking anything.
Jack, Bondi
My new girlfriend could barely hide her disappointment when I first took my clothes off in front of her. We were halfway through Sunday lunch with her parents at the time.
Ted, Bronte
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