Australia Day Jokes

- Australians NEVER die... they just stay down under! Jim, Perth

- Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened! Tim, London

- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball. Jamie, Melbourne

- An Australian gentleman should always offer to light his girlfriend's farts before lighting his own. Lance, Melbourne

- If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs? Olivia, Sydney

- Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. Jason, London

- What's the difference between an Australian and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. Sarah, Adelaide

- Whats an Australian's idea of Foreplay? ‘you awake?' Max, Manchester

- Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?' Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.' Steve, Melbourne

- Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids. Katy, Perth

- An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex. The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed." The Frenchman says,  "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!" The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!" Kalub, London

- Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'." Jim, Sydney

- A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag! Kenny, Perth