Jokes 634 |
 Some Scouse bastards wrote "mong" all over my windows last night.
It took me ages to lick it off. Phil, Surry Hills It makes me laugh when women go on Twitter and say 'follow me' but when you do it in real life they call the police... Greg, Kings Cross
He has feelings too. Paul, Paddington Conrad Murray was recently sent to prison for the manslaughter of Michael Jackson. Although the court case was a thriller, Conrad was found to be the smooth criminal. Barry, Adelaide I'm going to make a fucking fortune. How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them. Geoff, Darlinghurst I keep hearing people complaining about porn on facebook. The way I see it, I can get a good wank over a fit girl with her tits out and when my girlfriend checks my internet history I don't get slapped round the face. Trent, Bondi Last night I shagged a tidy fifteen-year-old from my little brothers school class. I just hope no one finds out though, he might lose his teaching job. Matt, Balmoral |
Jokes Jokes Jokes
With the final instalment of The Hangover trilogy coming to cinemas, we thought it was only right to pay our respects with a few jokes all about being hungover.
Just watched The Hangover.Have the McCann's checked the roof?
If you're in the mood for some Chris Huhne jokes and some other topical jokes then here's the best of what we've found this week!
A 3d-printer that can make guns?Pffft, that's nothing!I've had a Canon printer for years. Cl
Justin Bieber's shenanigans have been plastered all over the web recently. He doesn't do himself any favours either. First, he is two hours late for his own concert, then he attacks a photographer and to top it off he write
After 26 years in charge, Sir Alex Ferguson has retired as manager of Manchester United. The 71-year-old Scot has been rumoured to step down for a while but Man Utd have now confirmed that he will leave at the end of the se
If you're sensitive, then don't read the below. If you've got strong views on feminism, then don't read the below. If you're offended by bad language, then don't read the below. Basically you get the picture about how gross
We don't know if you heard but Luis Suárez scored a late equaliser for Liverpool during their 2-2 draw with Premier League rivals Chelsea over the weekend. Oh yeah and he also bit Branislav Ivanovic.While poor Ivanovic rec
As our childhood continues to crumble beneath us with basically everyone on tv being a sex offender, we thought we'd put the best of the Rolf Harris jokes that have been sent into us.
Is there no end to Rolf Harris's music
With the sad news that Margaret Thatcher passed away this morning aged 87, from a stroke, we have unfortunately put together a bunch of Margaret Thatcher jokes.
This isn't to cause offence to anyone, but you wouldn't be cl
After Easter, we are all carrying a bit of extra weight so we've put together a few fat jokes to inspire you to shift the pounds faster:
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I'm not saying my fella is fat. But if I had to pick five of the fattest people I
While you’re getting ready to treat yourself with a mountain of chocolate, here’s a few jokes for you to have a chuckle to as you tuck into numerous chocolate eggs this Easter.
"Why is Easter an Alzheimer patien
Seeing as it's St Patrick's Day this weekend we thought we'd treat you to some good old fashioned Irish jokes.
Now we're not being anti-Irish, we're simply celebrating Ireland for all the fun it provides the rest of the wo
I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch..But giving her a hug requires a run-up.Ron, Darlinghurst
The catholic church doesn't believe in sex before marriage.Sex before puberty however...Joel, Surry Hills
My mates are such pr
Now the Pope has resigned he's looking forward to kicking back and taking in a bit of footy in Switzerland.He's off to follow Young Boys. Chuk, Cairns
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
We know we shouldn't...but we did anyway.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints.
Roses are red,Violets are glorious,Don't try to surprise
It's a sad day for the Catholic church as Pope Benedict XVI has unexpectedly resigned. However most people don't really give a toss.
In keeping with topical news items, please enjoy the below Pope jokes.
No offence to the
Mexican, Englishman, American A Mexican, Englishman, and an American are in a bar having drinks. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Woman: Whoever can use the words ‘liver' and ‘cheese' in a creative sente
Valentines Day is the worst day in the calendar if you're not in a relationship. So here are some jokes that will make you feel better about being single this month:
What's worse than your boyfriend sending you a text to â
The dreariest month of the year is nearly over, so to celebrate, here's some down right filthy and wrong jokes to tied you over until it's safe to come out again.
I only ever read when I'm taking a shit.Which is probably w
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
After the shock findings that Tesco have been loading their burgers up with horse meat... read the article here... we thought we better do our usual take the piss antics, and give you some horse meat flavoured jokes.
So 29
Now that 2013 is in full swing, we're back to cultivating the sickest jokes around, so we hope you enjoy these. And if you're easily offended, then don't bother reading any of disgusting jokes below.
If there is one thing
Welcome to 2013, and with a new year comes new jokes. Here's some down right dirty ones to get you laughing through the tears of your January depression.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today.I thought, "That mu
Christmas has been cancelled. Mary has owned up. Paul, Bondi
"Oh Mary, you're pregnant! That's wonderful! And I'm not the father, but that's okay, because God is? Awesome!"
I love naivety plays. Joseph, Bethlehem
Last Ch
It's the beginning of December, so before all the Christmas cheer starts, we thought we'd remind you of just how wrong we are at BBM. So sit back and enjoy this week's gross jokes.
I was flirting with a drunk girl in a clu
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise profusely. Ashley, ChiswickWhat does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?On a lucky day, lipstick, Mauro, Greenwich How do you turn a duck in
Here are some of November's best jokes, so sit back and laugh your asses off...
I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I showed him though. I
People can hide the signs of ageing all they like, but at the end of the day we are all heading in the same direction. Here are a few jokes about being old, just to show you that humour doesn't age.
Just before the funeral
With Barack Obama winning the 2012 US Election and celebrating four more years in office we thought it only right that we share the best jokes from the campaign trail.
- I was considering voting for Mitt Romney, but then I
It's Halloween again, so naturally we've put together the best Halloween jokes for your perusal. Make sure you check out what's on in Sydney and what's on in Melbourne to find the best way to celebrate Halloween this year.
- They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary.
His last entry was about 10 years old.
- Jimmy Saville's alleged victims say they just want justice.
That's a funny word for money.
- I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Ji
- "Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."?"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."
- Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme f
- i opened my religious advent calendar today and the days wonderful thought from the pope was 'thank fuck the xfactor is finished"
- trying to watch the last part of the xfactor final and my TV is stuck on some Dodgy Pub
Poor old Justin Bieber, he does get given a hard time, however, he is about two and has amounted to much more than we ever will, so we'll continue to stick it to him as we weren't blessed with adolescent good looks or the a
- First we see Harry's arse, and then we see Kate's tits.
But nothing quite beats seeing Diana spread over a car.
- The Daybreak presenters have just compared the weather girl to Kate Middleton. What an insult, the weathe
We're back this week with some horrifically horrible jokes for you.
I updated my Facebook status earlier:"I can't believe it, my daughter now weighs exactly 21lbs"I got 34 likes and plenty of messages saying things like, "
Ok these jokes are pretty wrong, but what can we say, we're depraved creatures. So sit back and enjoy September's sick jokes.
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll. Jo
- My mate asked me, "If you could meet any celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be?"
So I thought about it for a while, then replied, "Russell Brand......dead"
- When I heard that Russell Brand is said to be devastated
Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal GlaucomaA woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well."What's the matter?" he asks."I have a case of anal glaucoma,"
- I hear Prince Harry has split up with his girlfriend of 5 years.
I know he's royalty and all but that's a bit young isn't it? Phillip, Edinburgh
- The Sun newspaper has said it thought "long and hard" about the naked Pr
So we've just got over the London Olympics 2012 but now it's time for the 2012 Paralympics to take place in London. So naturally - as we're passionate about funny jokes, we thought we'd bring you edition one of our Paralymp
Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony. Tim, Surry Hills
I saw a bag today with Jessie J's face on it.Shouldn't
- I saw Usain Bolt running for a bus this morning, but the driver pulled away before he got there.
It was fine though, he just got on at the next stop. James, Manly
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- I got home from work today to find that my wife ha
- After winning her BBC Sports Personality of the Year award in 2008, Rebecca Adlington said: "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my parents."
No shit.
- Newsflash: The Olympic Swimming Pool was evacuated earlier today w
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin' to an envelope for?" "I'm sending avoicemail ya thick sod!" Dan, Perth
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the headwith a tennis ball. It was a lovely serv
-What's the difference between Hitler and Paula Radcliffe?Hitler tried to finish the race
-Being a proud British citizen, I'm glad to hear the country is to hold a 'coming home victory parade' for our wonderful athletes wh
Superman was flying around one day and was feeling a bit horny. So he found Batman stood on top of a building and dropeds down to ask him where the best place to get laid was. Batman proceeded to tell him that Wonder Woman
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said,
Bruce Willis is a lot like Charlie Sheen: big in the 80s and now his old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis,
Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob. A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? A. The D
With the Olympics commencing in less than a week we thought it was high time we got our Olympic jokes together for you. So enjoy, sit back and feel free to use our Olympic jokes on your mates. Just remember where you heard
Andy Murray has not done it again, but did we honestly think a British, sorry I mean Scottish, person could actually win Wimbledon? No, right? Well anyway considering he didn't win it's now time to ridicule him in the most
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing and of course that means that Twitter and the Internet have exploded with jokes about their divorce and just how tragic Tom Cruise really is.
Below are some of the funnier jokes
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time... John, Fitzroy
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was stan
I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money. Ryan, Bondi
I got pulled over for speeding earlier today."You've got to let me go Officer," I pleaded, "My wife is due any minute!"He said, "What, due a
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.?I thought, that's fair, tit for tat.?? James, Bondi
The English FA has already booked players' flights home after the group stages. The Greek FA has issued theirs with signs for hitch-hiking.Joe, Birmingham
I think this European championship has really demonstrated somethin
The Olympic opening ceremony will be inspired by the British countryside.Expect a burnt-out Ford Mondeo and at least one abandoned fridge.Jill, London
Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror.I ask
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to
So that's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee done and dusted, but who would we be if we didn't have a little laugh about it now. Here are some of the best Jubilee jokes.
I can't believe how much disruption the Royal family has ca
Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over. "Would you like the negatives?" I asked."Yes please," he said sheepishly.I sa
