Welcome to 2013, and with a new year comes new jokes. Here’s some down right dirty ones to get you laughing through the tears of your January depression.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today.
I thought, “That must have been really painful.” Dave, Surry Hills
I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.
So I set my house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid. Brian, Darlinghurst
“Bagsy top bunk!” I screamed as I jumped on the bed.
Later, as Big Terry brutally sodomised me I realised that prison was not going to be as easy as I’d first thought. Tim, Bondi
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches. Steve, St Kilda
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass. Gerard, Richmond
Why does everyone keep saying “I need a friend with benefits”? Just go to Liverpool, everyone’s on benefits there. Richard, Kings Cross
Lady: Do you smoke?
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then? Jim, Fremantle
Some men think that using a moisturiser after you’ve had a shave is a bit gay.
I don’t, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft. Derek, Brisbane
So Tulisa’s new album has flopped…
She must have tried to suck it off. Harry, Fitzroy
I was shagging my blonde girlfriend when she said, “Cum all over me and I will not leave your bedroom until I’ve licked it all up.”
3 years on she’s still in my bedroom. Fuck knows how my jizz got onto her elbow. Mike, Brunswick
My girlfriend finally laid all her cards on the table, and told me she had an abusive father and cancer.
She always beats me at ‘X-Factor Top Trumps’. Will, Redfern
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT? Jack, Perth
A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.
“Hang on a minute,” I said to my wife on the phone. “Yes, officer?”
He said, “You’re talking on your mobile.”
I said, “I know. I’m just telling my wife that I’m stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late.”
“There is no traffic,” he replied.
What a cunt, I was winking at him as well. Phil, Williamstown
My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs.
“Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies.”
“Ugh, is that what mum’s is like?”
“You tell me,” I replied, “you were the last one near it.” Oliver, Woolloomooloo